im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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