What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
