Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
