I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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