Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
