can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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