Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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