It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
