She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
