yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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