Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
