his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
