I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
try to milk me bitch
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
