EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
