Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize