Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
