I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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