Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
