ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize