4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need a beard to bite.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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