I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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