God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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