just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
