apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
