Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
