Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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