I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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