rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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