if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
