hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
