I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
