I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
