you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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