i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
