Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
