Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
