Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
