She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
