When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
