Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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