I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Farmville is her only friend.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
