yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
