apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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