His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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