Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
