I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
