my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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