It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
