also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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