I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
