My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
