i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
All the doctor said was why
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
