you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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