Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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