why do cheetos always look like penises
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
