Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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