I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
