Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
