The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
