I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
