onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
