If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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