TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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