I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I've blown a few things in my day
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
