don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
