Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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