remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
