Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
